Learning to Sail can make Capable Adults feel Completely Useless
Why do new sailors feel overwhelmed? Plus eight ways to help inexperienced crew find their sea-legs, emotionally and practically.
Can you think of a time where you really faced the unknown? The last time you felt truly out of your depth? Where you faced a challenge so unfamiliar that you had no idea what questions to even ask, where to begin, or even what words to use?
I can think of a few: Buying my first house. Learning to drive a manual gear-shift car. Skiing for the first time.
The latter was probably the most overwhelming. And it wasn’t just the people zooming down death defying slopes at highway speeds. It was the fact that I was a fully grown adult and yet I didn’t know how to put my own shoes on, how to move or stop myself, or how to get on or off a chairlift. I felt like an alien on a new planet; there was a new language, new surroundings, clothing I’d never used and equipment I didn’t understand. From the moment I walked into the ski-hire shop I felt like I’d morphed from:
Capable Adult who could look after herself —> Pathetic Excuse for a ‘Grown-Up’.
Also, one that was utterly reliant on… my boyfriend. Which posed an extra layer of difficulty, but let’s not get into that!
So, dig around your memory bank. And once you find a unknown you’ve faced, think about how it made you feel. Not just what happened. Yes, yes, I’m sure you remember it being thrilling! But was that all? Or was it also scary? Stressful? Embarrassing? Humbling? Possibly isolating?
Now, hold that thought.
Last week I joined two new owners of an Amel 60 in La Rochelle – let’s call them Steve and Ruby for privacy sake. The boat was just about fresh out the factory, and this British couple wanted some help getting comfortable with their new ‘toy’.
They had a pretty classic story. Steve was a regular dinghy racer and had a fair amount of coastal experience on 30–40-foot monohulls. Ruby had loved their relaxed family cruising holidays but had never really got involved in the sailing. But now, the new project needed her to step up.
On our first phone call, I asked how I could best serve them.
Ruby gave the classic response: “I need to know what to do if he falls in. This sailing thing is entirely new to me.”
I nodded understandingly. “Yes, OK I think I should be able to help you.”
She replied, “Nikki, just to be clear. I really, really don’t know anything. Like, at all.”
A week ago when we met in person onboard the boat I asked how they were both doing. Steve was clearly excited. I needn’t have enquired. After a week’s handover from Amel his brain firing on all cylinders and he was bouncing around the boat like a energizer bunny eager to get off the dock and to sea!
Ruby, on the other hand, looked at me dead in the eyes and said, “I’m absolutely exhausted. I feel like I’ve been in school for a week and I’m so overwhelmed.”
She started to well up.
I tried to reassure her. “It’s completely normal to feel emotional. This is a huge thing.”
Which naturally made her cry more.
“Is there anything specifically that is making you feel this way?” I asked.
Once she’d dried her eyes on a tissue, she opened up.
“It’s everything. I have to think before doing bloody everything! Turning on the oven, brushing my teeth, making a cup of tea, unpacking the shopping … I don’t know how to do even these basic things. I feel like I’m in the school of life again. And we haven’t even got to the sailing yet.”
I stopped her before she tumbled.
“That makes total sense. It is a lot.” I said softly. “And well done for being honest.”
Ruby and Steve’s situation is a universal story.
The overwhelm and emotion connected with stepping aboard a boat is not unique to Ruby. It is how everyone feels when they are in a situation out of their comfort zone.
Take yourself back to that thought you are holding…
If you are embarking on a sailing adventure and feel like Ruby, let this be solace; you are not alone. Or, if you are in partnership with someone like Ruby, allow this to help you build some compassion and empathy. Ruby’s reaction was normal. And proof that she cared. Deeply! It is the expected reaction of someone in an unknown environment, completely out of their depth and eager to empower themselves.
Someone who hasn’t lived on a boat before has to confront hundreds of ‘firsts’ every day that are utterly unique to sailing.
Gas stoves and solonoids;
VHF speakers;
Diesel engines and propellers;
Winches;
Sails;
Sea-sickness;
Foul weather gear;
Life-jackets;
All the sailing lingo - sheets, hulls, helms, skippers;
Lee cloths and what position to lie in on a heel to sleep – yes, even sleeping is a challenge!
There are so many rules and customs that they can get wrong: black soles on the deck, soft cases not wheely ones, “lines” not “ropes”, flag etiquette… It’s all incredibly, incredibly weird. New. Unfamiliar.
No wonder people feel overwhelmed.
Often this overwhelmed crew member falls in and unfortunate and direct comparison with their partner or skipper who has perhaps grown up around this environment and has no appreciation for the learning curve required for a newcomer. This can easily leave the less experienced sailor feeling not just out of their depth, but alone, stupid, like they are letting their partner down, guilty, afraid, and hopeless.
The good news though – there are solutions! It does not have to last forever. There is a way of making this better if you give yourself time and apply some good techniques.
So, I may be at risk of taking myself out of a job entirely here but I thought I’d share some tricks of the trade for anyone who faces this situation. Whilst it’s fresh on my mind.
If you’ve ever been the beginner in the room, afloat or ashore, I hope this reminded you that overwhelm is just part of being human and it’s often proof that you’re doing something brave.
Read on for a list of eight things I do to help overwhelmed newcomers to sailing and live-aboard life feel more comfortable and more confident.
